Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice........

Ever been in a situation where a series of events occurred to warn you things would not go well but you don't put the series of events all together in your head right away and you blindly go ahead even though ALL the warning signs were there. Then you look back at the chain of events and you want to smack yourself for not being more on the ball and altering the situation.

I was looking forward to a nice relaxing golf game with JB and my friend EL. I should have known it was going to be an "interesting" afternoon when I arrived at the starters box and he informed me that my $95 silk/cotton mix shirt was a tank top and therefore not regulation. Now, I understand golf etiquette and proper dress but I have worn this top at a much more expensive golf club than this public course where the clubhouse is underneath the Victoria Park subway station and the green fees are $22 peak time. JB looked at me, looked at the starter, looked back at me with his "this is not funny" exasperated look. I then politely said to the starter "this is not a tank top, I don't wear tank tops!" He said "it doesn't have sleeves" JB noticed EL walking up the path to the starters booth and said "well, neither of you are not going to be able to play as EL's shirt has no sleeves either" the starter shouted out "oh,she can play, her shirt has a bit of sleeve" This then prompted some grubby guy, who had the tee time ahead of us, race over to me, get in my face and to interject in a fast paced banter a la Michael Keaton as Beetlejuice, "uh, what's your name? tell you what JMack I have an extra t-shirt, I will lend it to you and then you can give it back to me after your game, it's okay, it's okay, trust me, it's okay, take it, you can just take it off half way through the course and no-one will be the wiser, know what I mean, know what I mean" I politely responded "it's okay, thanks for the offer, I can run down to the clubhouse and buy a shirt as I would hate to deprive you of your change of shirt on such a hot day" Beetlejuice, obviously wasted and under the delusion that I may be someone he could ask out on a date then tried to charm me and impress me with his sense of humour by taking off his baseball cap and saying "hey look, I'm a wanna be blackman see,I have the bling bling still on my baseball cap (as he pointed to the price tag he left on the underside of his cap) but seriously the shirt is clean, it is freshly laundered, I swear, I swear" I didn't respond for a few seconds but thought "if I say Beetlejuice three times,I wonder if he will actually disappear?" JB gave me a glance, and he looked pissed off. I knew that look but I was focusing more on feeling pressured that I had held up the whole course because of my shirt incident. Even though Beetlejuice and his friends were nowhere near starting, I put on his T-shirt and then noticed out of the corner of my eye that the group ahead of Beetlejuices had just finished putting the first hole. Finally thinking fast, I realized I had a precious few minutes to rush down to the clubhouse and get a shirt. Beetlejuice and his pals were about to tee off. Beetlejuice decided to light off a small firecracker right when his friend was about to drive. How this did not get them kicked off the course was beyond me. I whispered to JB "these guys are taking forever to tee off. I am not wearing this asshole's shirt as I do not want to "socialize" with them all 18 holes". JB slipped me his bank card, as I left my purse locked in the car. I raced down the hill,into the clubhouse and saw a rack of women's golf shirts. They were all the expensive Nike Golf -Cool Max shirts at $75 a pop. My mind racing, I was doing the calculations in my head. Did I want to spend $75 on shirt to play this $22 course or do I want to walk around for 18 holes in Beeteljuice's "spare shirt". I then noticed a sign above the shirts "All Women's Golf Shirts %60 off" SOLD!! I grabbed a nice black shirt,ran to the counter and said to the golf pro "apparently my shirt is not proper attire for this course." He looked at Beetlejuices nasty, grubby t-shirt and said "uh, that shirt? That shirt is okay for this course" I shot back "not THIS shirt, the one I have on underneath!" He looked confused...I paid for the shirt and ran into the women's washroom put it on and ran back up to the first tee.

Beetlejuice and two pals were just finishing tee-ing off when the group who were to tee off after us arrived. Polar opposites of Beetlejuice and pals, these guys sauntered up to the waiting area of this $22 public course, in a crappy area of Toronto, as if they had just won at Augusta National last week. They took one look at EL and I and started whispering and chuckling. I knew right away they had that look of "oh, great, two women playing ahead of us". It amazes me that there is still this bizarre bias in this sport. Men who think women can't drive the ball as far, aren't as accurate, will hold up their game, blah blah blah blah.....I know that look, I have seen it many times on the golf course and many times after my first tee off, I have had the pleasure of wiping that stupid look and attitude of their faces when I swing my text book swing and send the ball flying. Alas, today was not going to be the day that I would have my normally great first tee off. With Beetlejuice and pals in front and the "wanna be pros" behind us and my head about to explode from the shirt incident I knew it was going to be a stressful game for me. I was getting rattled. This is the mental aspect of the golf game that can really screw up your play. Also, I am accustomed to a much more sane and classier tee off than the insane assylum scene were were going through.

JB tee'd off, EL tee'd off and then I tee'd off and as usual I hit the ball fairly straight but not half as far as I normally would hit the ball on a hole of this yardage. We finished the hole, moved to the second hole and caught up with Beetlejuice and pals who were waiting to tee off at the third hole. JB said "Give me that guys nasty shirt so I can hand it back to them" JB ran over with the shirt and then I noticed him in a conversation with Beetlejuice. JB returned and I asked him what the intense conversation was about. JB replied "oh, he was just apologizing for his black man comment. He said he shouldn't have said it and I told him it was a stupid thing to say. He agreed and said he should not have said it" I was thinking did Beetlejuice not notice that JB, a 6ft tall black man was standing next to him when he made the comment?

A few more holes were played when we noticed that Beetlejuice and pals, who were actually pretty accurate golfers, were playing increasingly worse. We then noticed the pungent odour of cannabis coming from their direction. Now, I don't care if people want to smoke pot but I am thinking on a public golf course at 2:30 pm in the afternoon? it may not be the right time. There were plenty of Dads with kids on the course and Mums with kids out for the afternoon. JB also mentioned that he had noticed that they had a hidden cooler in their bag. So, not only were they smoking joints but they were getting piss drunk on booze. It was going to be a sloooooow back 9. We had the trailer trash degenerates in front of us and the obnoxious "wanna be pros" behind us who seemed to blame their having to wait to tee off at each hole on us. Not sure how they did not notice that we were waiting for Beetlejuice and his pals to finish each hole and that Beetlejuice and pals were also waiting for a slow group of four who were ahead of them. I guess it was easier to blame their delay in game on the only two women on the course.

Fast forward to the 18th/19th hole. I finally have a half decent drive, make the green and we finish off the game. We start walking to the clubhouse and I notice Beetlejuice and pals all going into their respective vehicles and driving off! I then go into the clubhouse to wash my hands etc. Come out and one of the "wanna be golf pros" who were playing behind us says to the young lady who was driving the drink cart through the course all afternoon "Hey, thanks a lot, great job all afternoon, eh" I laughed out loud and said to her in a really loud voice "Wow, you must get that shit a lot" He then shot back a glance at me and I just started laughing. "Mr. Golf Pro" then got into his Hyundai and drove off...

The finale to this already messed up day....... I walk down the parking lot to our parked car. JB was putting the clubs in the trunk we look over and there on the other side of the lot was a group of four 20 something males and one of them was urinating, outside, on one of the trees. Perfect, I thought, just freakin' perfect. I looked at JB and growled through my clenched teeth "This is why there are PRIVATE GOLF CLUBS!"




Quote of the day:

If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. ~Dean Martin