WE CAN DO IT!!

As one of the few female Ops Managers in my organization I find it incredible that in the year 2006, my Director (the only female Director in Operations) and I still encounter the old "boys club" mentality. At times it becomes mentally and physically exhausting. My Director sighed and said to me today "I am so weary of this crap" Don't get me wrong our Company in general is a model of respect and dignity and non gender bias but our particular department/organization of Operations/Engineering still has a long way to go!

I have been thinking about this a lot in the past couple of days as we have had to deal with quite a few projects and network outages in the past month that have not gone well of late. This has forced me to make some unpopular decisions albeit correct decisions but not popular with the Engineering ranks who it would appear wish that I would just go away or just can't get over the fact that I, a mere woman can and will hold up their projects. It is to be expected to become somewhat of an unpopular individual with some groups when you cancel work that affects a 14 million dollar project. Typically, as the lone female on a conference call that is made up of all men who have been in the organization for years and years they really are in denial of the fact that new people have joined their ranks and we are women and we are NOT going anywhere, no matter how hard you make it for us. When I question things (which is my job) or suggest we do something differently to ensure our customers are impacted in the least possible way, I am dismissed with comments or e mails with suggestions such as "you need to further explain your decision as we need to make an informed decision before canceling such work" This comment has been made to me a few times in the past three weeks by one individual in particular and my response is always "you insult me by suggesting that my decision is not informed" which then gets the shocked mock hurt response of "that is not what I said or meant" OF COURSE it is what you said or meant because YOU JUST SAID IT!

My two favorite comments of this week are "this is very complex and there are many scenarios which you don't understand and we can't possibly come up with to test" to which I respond "uh, why haven't you thought of them, I have and I suggest you start coming up with a few" And "well technically we can do this" as if I am some token female who was dropped into this job with no technical experience when actually I have been working in Operations for the past 8 years many as a Network Specialist. I always respond with "technically we can do anything we want, don't we have to also assess the risk of performing this "technical" work" and I always feel like adding on "but what would i know, i am only a girl!"

I have been wondering of late, if a man were in my chair, would he have to go through this crap. Would he have to continually battle shit like this. The answer is "NO!!" He would be given kudos for making these decisions. He would be labeled as someone who is "decisive", "confident" and "thorough", "great to work with", "always thinking of the customer"

The only thing saving my sanity at this point is that my own techs who work for me, my Director and many of my male colleagues agree with me and I have my past decisions as proof of my decision making ability. It is just that small group of insecure "men" who cannot deal with the fact that their little enclosed world is changing.... So, yes I am weary and at times I really get tired of fighting and being the "trailblazer" for other women but I will continue fight on because bottom line, the assholes are outnumbered by the all of the sane and competent people that I do work with. Male and female alike.

My mood coupled with the crappy weather this afternoon has me humming the song "Stormy Weather" At the moment it is pissing down rain and I have the "female trailblazer" blues.

As one of the lines in the song "Stormy Weather" says :

"Stormy weather
Just can't get my poor self together
I'm weary all the time"

This also got me thinking about what is the best version of this song. Everyone loves the Lena Horne version or the Judy Garland version but I have to say my favorite recording of "Stormy Weather" is by Etta James. Etta doesn't sound all soft and sad and weak and depressed over her situation as most versions sound. Not Etta, she sounds confident and pissed off. I love it!